The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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