my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Go christen that room with your naked body.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
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