i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Randomize
