I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Randomize
