Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
