YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
MIDGETS
????
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
