god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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