I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
