glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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