Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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