Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
