I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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