I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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