fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
zippers are such a cool invention
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
