I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize