the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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