I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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