I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
