I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
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