I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
false alarm, still single
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
