winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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