I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
he thought i was a dude.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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