I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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