I'm lost and stupid without you.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize