420 ftw
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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