My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
