Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
