So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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