my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize