ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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