Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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