the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
You dont lie about slip and slides
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
