who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
You are the jesus of drinking
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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