I could have mohawked her pubes.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
