I think I died a long time ago.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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