I haven't been this sober since birth.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
