she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize