??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Randomize
