So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
