please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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