you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
