first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
