Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
