can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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