Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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