I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
