I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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