Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
