I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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