my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
