surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
