Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
