Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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