Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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