Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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