I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize