I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
