Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
im having a threesome with these popsicles
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
