You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
