you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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