I understand why you refuse to be sober now
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
