You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
