I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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