i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
