I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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