I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
