Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
