My hand turned me down
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
